3rd Full Moon Gathering. Live Talk by Nagendra.
„Reactions Cause Distortion In Relationship“
In our third full moon gathering Nagendra is going to continue exploring the art of relationship – this time he is going to talk about the distorting factors in relationship with another which destroy, twist, narrow down and reduce the relationship to a petty little affair. When two people, who are in relationship, talk, discuss their problems, their conflicts in order to resolve them, they begin communication with their already fixed conclusion, concepts of social conditioning, and their opinions of likes and dislikes which are based on past reactions, old habits of justification, borrowed knowledge and self-importance. Both partners have their self-made images which are based on past memories and past experiences from where they relate to each other. So in fact, two images meet – not two persons. These two images fight each other to defend, protect and safeguard their images. Partners don`t care about the relationship but they care and maintain their „I“ – such as: „I am right you are wrong“, blaming each other by shouting emotionally: „You don´t let me talk“ or „You talked 10 minutes and I only 2 minutes“ and so on – they end up with I, my, mine fight affair only. Therefore, communication never takes place, what takes place is the quarrel and separation at the cost of relationship. It is happening everywhere and every minute all over the world.
So there is only relationship between two images. there is no direct relationship between two real persons who never meet at the same level, at the same wave length, at the same intensity of intellectual level. Sometimes they meet at sexual level but when it is over then there is again separation at thought level and intellectual level which creates enormous conflict, separation, loneliness and gives birth to self-centered activities. Human beings are caught up terribly in the network of words only, they are slaves to words but words are superficial – words can only create reactions and confusion but no action of love. You don`t listen and observe yourselves in the relationship which is very important to understand your partner. All human problems have their roots in thought. Thought is always limited. Limitation brings sorrow, separation and loneliness.
Thought cannot solve the problem of relationship. The direct meeting in relationship is possible when the body, intellect and emotion has no division – when all these 3 senses are functioning in one harmony together then there is great Love and energy that is essential in relationship. If you can think together then there is no division between you and your partner.
Nagendra will show you in this gathering how to relate directly and how to think together without the interference of your reactive-behavior, your self-made images and your accumulated hurts, your psychological wounds and your memory from the past. He says further: „Unless you cleanse and end your ‚self-interest‘, your ‚I-oriented‘ way of life, by understanding yourself as a whole, you will be the cause to sabotage your relationship every time.“
Nagendra challenges us for the radical change in our psychology. He says: „The crisis is inside you, not outside of you or in another person. Therefore, if you change yourself, then you can change the other.“
The art of being together by Nagendra
It is wonderful to be together. I am speaking but you are also speaking with me because my body is used.
When we are together we are all participating in this beautiful happening. Listening without filter, without
resistence. Just listen like a child. If you listen so, and the teaching has some truth in it, it will go deeper
in you. This is not my teaching – I am just an instrument. This is the eternal teaching. This teaching is
always communicated to humanity through one person.
As you know that our theme is distorting factors in relationships. What are the causes? We will go
together on these causes, not on the symptoms, but we will go deeper and deeper. Reactions are the cause
for distortions. If you can act in relationship, then we have direct communication with a partner. When we
react, our reactions have no contact with the partners. We have been conditioned to communicate through
reactions. Action in relationship is very important. I will show you how to act not react. Because reactions
are the release from emotional expressions. That’s why we have never contact with the person. Action
comes when your mind is silent, when your senses are awake, then action takes place and that action
relates immediately and brings happiness, togetherness, love and that is the relationship. Every person
reacts through his childhood conditioning and these conditions are demands, lots of desires, unconscious
demands. These demands mirror when two people start living together. Both persons have their own
demands. He has his demands, his desires, his drives, his ambition and she also. What happens when
these things are not fulfilled is that the partner is hurt and that has consequences – isolation, not to talk or
avoid the person and finally it becomes fear. Fear to lose the partner, fear of future. Out of fear we start to
create lots of things which are not reality but illusions. If we see the whole world and everywhere in the
world we see that each human being is reacting but not acting. Politicians are fighting, if one politician
threats the other, he is answering to destroy this country. It’s happening between USA and North Korea.
We have been brainwashed to react. “I react what you react to me!” There are two reactions and these two
create hundreds of reactions and reactions and reactions. These reactions have consequence – violence,
isolation, divorce, hate, depression. We can see it in our family, society and the world. The world is made
of families. Two partners make the world. The world is not something different than us. We have made
the world. If there is a war in some country, we are responsibly because we have contributed to this
society, to this world. This war is first between two partners, two persons and spreads all over the world.
Is it possible that two persons can live peaceful in one rhythm, one synchronicity, without friction – they
don’t have fight. Because that fight dissipates (withdraws) lots of vital energy. Because we have never
experimented this. We all know the relationship of friction, conflicts and confusion. It dissipates lots of
energy, a waste of energy and time. Because we need lots of energy to understand relationship. If we lose
our energy in conflict, we don’t have energy to understand each other. Without energy relationship can
not have a momentum. Relationship is a living entity. It is a big energy. Relationship demands from you
the same level. If you cannot fulfill that energy, then your relationship is bound to have conflict.
Is it possible that all level you have energy? Not only bodily, not only psychologically, not only
emotionally, but all levels are balanced. We will go deeper in the question how we can have this energy
on all levels. Which level is the most distorting factor, where human beings have conflict? When the
partners meet bodily, sexually, there is no conflict in that moment. So body doesn’t create conflict.
Sexuality doesn’t create conflict, that’s why we always want to have sex. Emotionally we also have not
much conflict, sometimes emotions are different, but mostly people feel integrated emotionally. Emotion
is also not a big problem. The problems happen almost a 100 percent psychologically, intellectually.
Because there our brain is washed. There we are separated from child on. This is mine, this is your, my
nationality, your religion, my money, my bank account, that is your house. There you are divided.
Separation comes through knowledge. Knowledge is very limited. What is limited has consequences as
We see why knowledge creates lots of divisions.
I will tell you how to think together, that’s why in the beginning I told you we can be together. One
human person is never together because we are trained always to oppose something, unconsciously we are
opposing. We never say “Yes, something to adjust”. First we see how knowledge separates from man to
man. You think that is my knowledge, he thinks he is right. In knowledge you always have identification
with I, “I know better than you”, “I have more knowledge”. This “I” is the main cause of destruction in
relationship. Knowledge is always coming from the past. It is based on the experience of past events.
When two persons meet and talk, they talk from their past experience. It creates problems, because they
don’t meet at the same level. They are trying to prove their past things, which is not relevant in the
present, because live always demands present. Then starts the fighting because the person thinks that he
or she is talking and not letting me talk. Comparison with the partner starts, which is the beginning of
war, fight, hate, isolation.
How to act in relationship without letting these causes in?
First you have to start learning the art of listening, because you don’t have to say anything to your partner,
you just listen. Just wait, don’t say that know I have to talk. You talked 20 minutes know I should also
talk. Don’t compare, just listen. So through listening he will reveal the fact. If you listen to somebody, he
starts to say deep things. If you interfere a person, he doesn’t open to you. Don’t say “You stop, I have to
say something.”. Don’t put yourself first. Let the things happen. If one person is going to say something,
you don’t feel hurt, that “why he is talking on me”. If you listen, then you will know the whole
psychology of this person, the depth of this person. You will also know what is the real problem, why he
is speaking like that, because you are listening 100 %, you’re whole sense of listening is very awake. So
you will not have any confusion. Only listening brings you together. That person will feel, that my partner
is not interfering me. He/She is just accepting me “As I Am”. That gives tremendous sense of relating –
If we talk like this, what you said, and I answer and so – this brings separation. We separate because we
don’t listen, we don’t understand, we don’t know what is the deeper problem – so we react, we answer the
things which are not relevant at that moment. When one person is speaking to you, you should not only
listen, but psychologically also start what he or she is thinking. I show you one example. “I have a partner
and she told me something. She says, that she has a problem and she feels bad in this situation. I listen
and I cooperate her, my body cooperates her. I don’t say, Oh. Because we immediately say Ah or Oh,
how stupid, she is telling me about her old relationship or like that. We listen and cooperate. Maybe
sometimes take hands. What will happen if you take your partner. That’s Ok. This person puts his whole
psychological wound on the table. And he will be more honest and she will be more honest. This is the
cooperation, because both are moving in the same direction. This is called mirroring. You are mirroring
your partner – that is the beauty. We never mirror. Your partner is throwing the things on you and you
clean mirror the things. When you start mirroring your partner, you are together, there is no separation.
Bodily you are together, only intellectual was the problem. Now you are intellectually also there. There is
no division and when there is no division there is no dissipation of energy. There is no waste of energy.
When this energy is together everything is level for you. That energy then starts working in relationship,
because relationship demands energy. Now you have energy. That is the beauty of relationship, which is a
very sacred thing. That relationship always brings happiness and there is now place for jealousy, hate,
isolation and fear. Until we understand this relationship, our humanity is going to continue that what we
are doing at the moment – separation, hate, suppression. We don’t give much energy for relationship. If
we really want a new civilisation, if we want this planet free from wars, free from divisions, then we have
to bring a radical change in our relationship. This radical change means that we don’t allow our I and self-
centered activities in relationships. When we are in relationship we should be very aware. Because alone
it is OK to be without awareness, but when we are with other persons, we should be very awake, very
much alert, because two whole minds are there now and they will be creating some problem. You have to
be very aware at that moment. Have you heard people say, “I don’t want to hurt you, but…” and you still
hurt. Why do we hurt? The old mind can only hurt, because a division can only hurt not connect. It is a
universal fact. In old mind you are going to hurt. It is the same like a cobra. Cobra wants to love you, but
it can only bite you. Cobra is cobra, he is sending poison, isn’t? Our old mind is even more poisonous,
with our conditioning, our fear, our greed. How to think together is very important in relationship. It does
not mean that you have to follow your partner what he or she is saying. Following is a very stupid mind
actually. If I say something, you don’t have to follow me, you have to understand it. If you follow you are
very dangerous people, because we follow religions, we follow gurus, masters, politicians and followers
are very destructive people. You don’t have to follow in relationship, you have to revolt, but when you
talk together you have to cooperate. Even if he or she is wrong but both of you go together. If it is wrong
it comes out afterwards, but first you have to go together – be together. We always try to prove the partner
wrong or right. Sometimes we say, “ah, you are right”, never say this, you are closing the dialog. You are
putting borders. If you say “You are right” or “You are wrong”, these are factors of our society which
divides man to man. If you can live with your partner psychologically one day, you can break down
thousand years old structures of this divisions. One day is the elongation of many thousand days. One day
– you have got the key, you got the love, you got the beauty. Try to live not only with partner, man and
woman, but relationships in workplace, children and parents. Always try not to create any duality. This is
the first thing, how to cooperate, how to go in one direction together. How to think together.