3rd Full Moon Gathering. Live Talk by Nagendra.
„Reactions Cause Distortion In Relationship“
In our third full moon gathering Nagendra is going to continue exploring the art of relationship – this time he is going to talk about the distorting factors in relationship with the partner which destroy, twist, narrow down and reduce the relationship to a trivial affair.
Nagendra: Lt’s go deeply into the root causes of relationship problem that is happening all over the world:
Blame-fight in relationship:
When two people, who are in relationship, talk, discuss their problems, their conflicts in order to resolve them, they begin communication with their already fixed conclusion, concepts of social conditioning, and their opinions of likes and dislikes which are based on past reactions, old habits of justification, borrowed knowledge and self-importance. Both partners have their self-made images which are based on past memories and past experiences from where they relate to each other. So in fact, two images meet – not two persons. These two images fight each other to defend, protect and safeguard their images. Partners don’t care about the relationship but they care and maintain their own „I“ – such as: „I am right you are wrong“, blaming each other by shouting emotionally: „You don’t let me talk“ or „You talked 10 minutes and I only 2 minutes“ and so on – they end up with I, my, mine, blame-fight affair only. Therefore, communication never takes place, what takes place is the quarrel and separation at the cost of relationship. It is happening everywhere and every minute all over the world.
There is relationship between two images not between two persons:
So there is only relationship between two images. there is no direct relationship between two real persons who never meet at the same level, at the same wave length, at the same intensity of intellectual level. Sometimes they meet at sexual level but when it is over then there is again separation at thought level and intellectual level which creates enormous conflict, separation, loneliness and gives birth to self-centered activities. Human beings are caught up terribly in the network of words only, they are slave to words but words are superficial – words can only create reactions and confusion but no action of love. You don’t listen and observe yourselves in the relationship which is very important to understand your partner. All human problems have their roots in thought. Thought is always limited. Limitation brings sorrow, separation and loneliness. Love is the only freedom, not the thought, since Love is not limited.
Thought cannot solve the problem of relationship, only Love can solve it immediately. The direct meeting in relationship is possible when the body, intellect and emotion has no division – when all these 3 senses are functioning in one harmony together then there is great Love and energy that is essential in relationship. „If you can think together in the same direction then there is no division between you and your partner“.
I will show you in this gathering how to relate directly and how to think together at the same wavelength without the interference of your reactive-behavior, your self-made images and your accumulated hurts from childhood, your psychological wounds and your memory from the past. Please listen with total attention: „Unless you cleanse and end your ‚self-interest, your ‚I-oriented‘ way of life, by understanding yourself as a whole, you will be the cause to sabotage your relationship every time.“
Nagendra challenges us for the radical change in our psychology. He says: „The crisis is inside you, not outside of you or in another person. Therefore, if you change yourself, then you can change the other.“
„The art of being together: Live talk by Nagendra:
It is wonderful to be together. I am speaking but you are also part of it with me because its a journey of awareness.
When we are together we are all participating in this beautiful happening. Listening without filter, without
resistance. Just listen like a child. If you listen so, and the teaching has some truth in it, it will go deeper
in you. This is not my teaching – I am just an instrument. This is the eternal teaching. This teaching is
always communicated to humanity through one person.
What are the factors that prevent you from direct relationship with someone?
As you know that our theme is distorting factors in relationships. What are the causes? We will go
together on these causes, not only the symptoms, but we will go deeper and deeper. Your past reactions are the cause
for distortions. If you can act in relationship, then we have direct communication with partner. When you
react, your reactions have no contact with your partner. You have been conditioned to communicate through
reactions since thousand of years. Action in relationship is very important. I will show you how to act not react. Because reactions
are the release from emotional expressions accumulated inside you as bad or pleasant memories. That’s why we have never contact with the person. Action
comes when your mind is silent, when your senses are awake, then action takes place and that action
relates immediately and brings happiness, togetherness, love and that is the relationship.
Every person reacts through his childhood conditioning and these conditions are desires, lots of blocked emotions and unconscious
demands. These demands mirror when two people start living together. Both persons have their own
demands. He has his demands, his desires, his drives, his ambitions and she also have the same stuff. What happens when
these things are not fulfilled then the partner is hurt and that hurts have consequences – isolation, not to talk or
avoid the person and finally it becomes fear. Fear to lose the partner, fear of future, fear not to achieve something. Out of fear you start to
create lots of things which are not reality but illusions. If you can see the whole world and everywhere in the
world you see that each human being is reacting but not acting. Politicians are fighting with each other, if one politician
threats the other, then the other politician is answering to destroy his country. It’s happening between USA and North Korea and everywhere.
We have been brainwashed to react. “I react what you react to me!” There are two reactions and these two
create hundreds of reactions and reactions and reactions. These reactions have consequence – violence,
isolation, divorce, hate, depression.
You are responsible for this ugly society and its relationship:
you can see it in your family, society and the in world. The world is made
of families. Two partners make the world. The world is not something different than you. You have made
the world. If there is a war in some country, you all are responsible for it because you have contributed your fear and greed to this
society, to this world. The war starts is first between two partners, two persons in relationship and then it spreads all over the world.
Can you live without conflict with your partner?
Is it possible that two persons can live peaceful in one rhythm, one synchronicity, without friction – they
don’t have fight. Because that fight dissipates (withdraws) lots of vital energy. Because we have never
experimented this. We all know the relationship of friction, conflicts and confusion. It dissipates lots of
energy, a waste of energy and time. Because we need lots of energy to understand relationship. If we lose
our energy in conflict, we don’t have energy to understand each other.
You have to save energy for your relationship:
Without energy relationship can not have a momentum. Relationship is a living entity. It is a big energy. Relationship demands from you
the same level. If you cannot fulfill that energy, then your relationship is bound to have conflict.
Is it possible that you have energy at all the level? Not only bodily, not only psychologically, not only
emotionally, but all levels are balanced. We will go deeper in the question how we can have this energy
on all levels. Which level is the most distorting factor, where human beings have conflict?
Can you move with your partner together at psychological level?
When the partners meet bodily, sexually, there is no conflict in that moment. So body doesn’t create conflict.
Sexuality doesn’t create conflict, that’s why we always want to have sex. Emotionally we also have not
much conflict, sometimes emotions are different, but mostly people feel integrated emotionally. Emotion
is also not a big problem. The problems happen almost a 100 percent psychologically, intellectually.
Because there our brain is washed. There we are separated from child on. This is mine, this is your, my
nationality, your religion, my money, my bank account, that is your house. There you are divided.
Separation comes through knowledge. Knowledge is very limited. What is limited has consequences as
Knowledge is the source of division:
Do you see why knowledge creates lots of divisions?
I will tell you how to think together, that’s why in the beginning I told you we can be together. One
human person is never together because you are trained always to oppose something, unconsciously you are opposing to each other. you never say “Yes, something to think together”. First we see how knowledge separates from man to man. You think that is your knowledge, he thinks he is right other is wrong. In knowledge you always have identification
with I, “I know better than you”, “I have more knowledge”. This “I” is the main cause of destruction in
relationship. Knowledge is always coming from the past. It is based on the experience of past events.
When two persons meet and talk, they talk from their past experience. It creates problems, because they
don’t meet at the same level in present. They are trying to prove their past things, which is not relevant in the
present, because live always demands present. Then you start the fighting because the person thinks that he
or she is talking and not letting me talk. Comparison with your partner starts separation, which is the beginning of
war, fight, hate, isolation.
How to act in relationship without letting these causes come into your life?
First you have to start learning the art of listening, because you don’t have to say anything to your partner,
you just listen. Just wait, don’t say that now I have to talk. You talked 20 minutes now I should also
talk. Don’t compare, just listen. So through listening he or she will reveal the fact. If you listen to somebody, he or she
starts to say deep things. If you interfere a person, he or she doesn’t open to you. Don’t say “You stop, I have to
say something.”. Don’t put yourself first. Let the things happen. If one person is going to say something,
you don’t feel hurt, that “why he is talking on me”.
Listening without judgment is the greatest art of all arts:
Can you listen with total attention and with your whole being? If you so listen, then you will know the whole psychology of the person you are listening to, the depth of this person. You will also know what is the real problem, why he or she is speaking like that, because you are listening with 100 % attention, your whole sense of listening is very awake. So
you will not have any confusion. Only listening brings you together. That person will feel, that my partner
is not interfering me. He/She is just accepting me “As I Am”. That gives tremendous sense of relating – coming together.
If you talk like this, what you said, and I answer you out of my memory then we both will not meet at the present – this brings separation. You separate because you
don’t listen, you don’t understand, you don’t know what is the deeper problem – so you react, you answer the
things which are not relevant at that moment. When one person is speaking to you, you should not only
listen, but psychologically also start moving together with this person what he or she is thinking. I show you one example. “you have a partner
and she told you something. She says, that she has a problem and she feels bad in this situation. You listen
and you cooperate her, your body cooperates her. you don’t say, Oh. Because we immediately say Ah or Oh,
how stupid, she is telling me about her old relationship or like that. You listen and cooperate. Maybe
sometimes takes place deeper while listening and she gets heal. What will happen if you listen intensively your partner? Your partner will become open and will trust you – your partner will puts her whole
psychological wound on the table. And she will be honest to share deeper feelings with you. This is the
cooperation, because both are moving in the same direction. This is called mirroring. You are mirroring
your partner – that is the beauty. We never mirror.
Relationship is the most sacred thing:
Your partner is throwing the things on you and you
clean her mirror by silent listening to her. When you start mirroring your partner, you are together, there is no separation.
Bodily you are together, only psychologically was the problem. Now you are psychologically also there together with her. There is
no division and when there is no division there is no dissipation of energy. There is no waste of energy.
When this energy is together everything is healed. That energy then starts working in relationship as healing factor
because relationship demands energy. Now you have energy. That is the beauty of relationship, which is a
very sacred thing. That relationship always brings happiness and there is now place for jealousy, hate,
isolation and fear. Until we understand this relationship, our humanity is going to continue that what we
are doing at the moment – separation, hate, suppression. We don’t give much energy for relationship.
New Humanity Based On Right Relationship:
If we really want a new civilization, if we want this planet free from wars, free from divisions, then we have to bring a radical change in our relationship. This radical change means that we don’t allow our I and self-
centered activities in relationships. When we are in relationship we should be very aware. Because without awareness there cannot be establish healthy relationship, but when we are with other persons, we should be very awake, very much alert, because two fragmented, conditioned minds sharing life together and they will create problems if they are not aware of their conditioning.. You have to
be very aware at that moment.
Universal Law: You are bound to hurt other if you are not aware:
Have you heard people say, “I don’t wanted to hurt you, but…” and you still
hurt. Why do we hurt others? The old mind can only hurt, because a division can only hurt not connect – this the Universal Law! It is a
universal fact! In old mind you are going to hurt. It is same like a Cobra. Cobra wants to love you, but
it can only bite you. Cobra is cobra, he is sending poison, isn’t? Our old mind is even more poisonous
with your conditioning, your fear, your greed.
Think together at the same direction with your partner brings enormous oneness and togetherness: Explosion of Energy:
How to think together is very important in relationship. It does not mean that you have to follow your partner what he or she is saying. Following is a very stupid mind
actually. If I say something, you don’t have to follow me, you have to understand it. If you follow someone you become very lazy and dull, because we follow religions, we follow gurus, masters, politicians and followers are very destructive people. You don’t have to follow in relationship, you have to revolt by mirroring to each other, when you talk together you have to cooperate. Even if he or she is wrong but both of you go together. If it is wrong it comes out afterwards, but first you have to go together – be together. We always try to prove the partner wrong or right. Sometimes we say, “ah, you are right”, never say this, you are closing the dialog. You are putting borders. If you say “You are right” or “You are wrong”, these are factors of our society which divides man to man. „If you can live with your partner psychologically one day, you can break down thousand years old structures of this divisions“. One day is the elongation of many thousand days. One day – you have got the key, you got the love, you got the beauty. Try to live not only with partner, man and woman, but with all relationships in workplace, children and parents. Always try not to create any duality. „This is the first thing, how to cooperate, how to go in one direction together. How to think together“.
Namaste, see you all in next gathering.